Living the Dream

All through my years (and years, and years) of schooling, most instructors and administrators continuously told students to find their passion, to follow their dreams, and to believe in themselves.  In the midst of it all, I meandered along, wondering what you're supposed to do when you don't have the type of dreams that everyone speaks of.

In some ways, I envy the people who have a dream and follow it to completion.  They are the ones who work until they become a doctor, lawyer, or teacher.  They follow a set path in life, they get into their desired occupation, and that's that.  I am not one of those people.  Try as I might, I never developed a clear vision for my life.  It has been a series of attempts, false starts, and disappointments, followed by yet another attempt to pick up the pieces and find gainful occupation that doesn't leave me in tears at the end of the day.  I have tried working all sorts of jobs, and have come to the conclusion that one's ultimate career has as much to do with opportunity as it has to do with dreaming.  In fact, you can dream all day long, work out a goal, and be perfectly qualified and capable of achieving it, but without opportunity, you are up a creek. 

This is what the teachers, counselors, and valedictorians failed to mention.  The reality is that some people have opportunity and purpose, while others flounder for an indefinite period.  It is such people who, when asked what they do, say that they are still wondering what they will be when they grow up.  I've seen this response from people of all ages, and I didn't understand it until I saw my own life heading in that seemingly aimless direction. 

It can be heartbreaking to diligently pursue an education only to discover that it's too specialized to be of use, and that you are not suited to it.  It is unspeakably discouraging to be promised a permanent, well-paying job that will use your education, only to see people with much less diligence, ability, and experience elevated into permanent status while you are quietly let go, to be left with only student loans and bitterness.  I have run the full range of emotions, from rage to relief to good riddance, but healing is a long time coming when promises are worth less than the wind it takes to make them. 

Since this situation happened, I scrabbled and struggled to pick up the broken pieces, to gather myself up for one more try.  I have dared to believe that it is still possible to be reasonably content, and perhaps even happy.  I am emboldened to say that I want to write.  I say it tentatively, with trepidation and still smarting from the disappointments of the past, but with each word I type, with each post, and with each time I dare to believe it could happen..... yes, I believe it is still possible.  I may yet find my own, personal dream.